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Illusions

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  Unbearable stillness fills up the vacuum that is my mindHesitant gestures loom for what seems like an eternityMy body, still here My heart, still beatingLife is what I missThe life I had, the life I never had I tried to understand love through the silencesSome loves are different, I thoughtI reached down your throat and pulled out your soulA shriveled carcass is all that I foundDesire going up in smokeLike the years I don’t […]

Coping with Uncertainty

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It has been over a month since I lost my job. And while hearing about the massive amount of job losses and businesses shutting down all over the world did cause some anxiety, I couldn’t relate. Not until the moment I realized I didn’t know where my next paycheck was coming from. You can empathize, pray that it doesn’t happen to you, or plan if it does but, there’s no way to predict your actions […]

Recognizing a downward spiral

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Our brains were not wired for chronic stress. Every time we are in a stressful situation, we activate what is known as the "fight or flight mode" - our body's response to imminent danger. Now, imagine activating this stress response for something like a credit payment or your fears of starting out on your own, rather than a life-threatening event. Do you see what you're doing? Putting your body through a constant state of worry. What good can come out of that?

In a day

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You wake up at the sound of the alarm. It may have been ringing for a while now. You reach for your phone, hit the snooze button and bury your head underneath the pillow. Five more minutes. You think. It rings again. The damn thing. May have forgotten to turn off the snooze settings. You throw the pillow out of your face. Open your eyes. I’m not going to get any sleep now. You’re awake. […]

Inside anxiety – My first experiences with meditation

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Looking out the cab on the steep ride uphill, I let my gaze wander through the lush, uneven terrain. The dense canopy of Cedar, Himalayan Oak, and Rhododendron trees blocked out the sun, if any, was kind enough to pass through. September was one of the wettest months of the season and we were at an altitude of 1888 m in the foothills of the Himalayas. It almost never stopped raining. The driver’s complaints about […]

Things I tell myself

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I have tried several approaches to writing. Most of it replicating someone else’s and the rest focusing on my failures. I don’t think it worked, don’t think it was supposed to anyway. How would it when I couldn’t even get past the idea of simply writing?  The struggle to keep up with my own perception of things gets scarily difficult as I sway from one thought to another. Without awareness. Without meaning. Which leaves me wondering […]

Some days

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Its as if with each passing year we lose a part of our-self, on a path of being cloned into replicas of people we never wanted to become. Living in only a carcass of ‘normal’ as the present ceases to exist. We live, every day, hoping for the future or lingering in the past. I have come to realize that I am every other person but, me. Masking myself with colors of the familiar. Scared […]

The First One

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I didn’t really have a plan in mind when I first thought of starting a blog. Well, almost didn’t. For about half a decade I have silently sulked in the clench of unfaltering procrastination, as I let days, months, and years go by soaked up in self-pity. Letting its grip grow stronger around me. I have rationalized every setback, giving it more meaning than it deserved as I hid behind a shield of indolence and […]